#i don't think amount of belly fat i have is normal and that nothing i do can make it go away

[yourlocaldisneyvillain]

started tracking calories again and Oh Boy it may have been a mistake

[knubbfeedeesspace]

Imagine this:

You and I start to date and eventually move together, we're having fun, eating out and going partying, as well as having nights home with pizza and a bottle of wine.

One morning, you watch me get up and get dressed for going to work, and you notice something peculiar. My once pretty flat stomach had developed into a round pot belly, you could even see it peek out a bit from under my t shirt, my jeans also looked tighter, "did he always have pants that tight?", you think to yourself.

Clearly, you've been blind to how much food not only I, but you yourself have consumed.

Sitting up in bed and looking down on your own body, you see that your once toned stomach has gotten a few gooey rolls, your small perky tits were larger and ever so slightly sagged downwards. Your thighs have gotten bigger and your thigh gap is just a memory now.

"Well, it's just a bit of relationsship weight for both of us, it will go away once we settle down"

Boy how wrong you were.

Settling down didn't mean less food, in fact, the dinner dates out at restaurants increased, as well as another thing: At home gourmet cooking.

Handmade big hamburgers fried in tallow, at home chicago deep dish pizza, stews that used copious amounts of butter and cream.

Needless to say, but both our clothes kept 'shrinking'.

The months passed by until the same but different scene appeared a morning.

You looked on me whilst I got up from bed and dressed in my clothes to get to work, what was once a round pot belly, had only increased outward and downward, now covering almost the entire belt buckle, which was on its' outest notch. It hung out from under t-shirt, and gently wobbled as I took steps out of the bedroom. My chest size had also increased, now with a solid pair of moobs.

Doing the same procedure as last time, you look down on yourself, your breasts which sagged only a tiny bit months ago, now layed drooped on each side of your large flabby gut, many cup sizes bigger than before. The gut covered your gentialia, as well as partially hided your large thunder thighs who had now developed, they started to pooch a bit above your somewhat hidden kneecaps, the same way your now pillowy upper arms have pooched ever so slightly over your elbows. Standing up and walking towards the mirror, you could feel your soft body jiggling and quivering as the momentum of your walk made all the new fat shake. Looking at yourself in the mirror, it was hard to recognize the fit and toned girl you were once before. Even your face was hard to recognize, as were once there were defined cheekbones, there were now poofy cheeks with a succulent double chin hanging from underneath it, were there once was nothing.

Your brain was in top gear, thinking about things to do to reverse this, to go back to that sporty girl, and for me to go back to a normal built.

But you kept coming up with the same answer.

"Eeh, I don't really need to do it, we both still love each other".

It was not only that, but you loved this life in fact, to eat food with your boyfriend, and just laze about all day, this was basically what you wanted to do with your life, even if you before lied to yourself that you wanted to be fit or sporty, you wanted to be a lazy pig, and have a lazy pig boyfriend.

"Meh, whatever happens happens" you told yourself and went back to bed.

This, was the final nail in the coffin for your, as well as mine, thin selves.

The food portions, which were already almost ridiculous, only got larger, as well as the food stuffs only getting greasier, with creamy and sweeter desserts.

Getting fastfood delivered, which in the beginning of the relationship was a once a month occurence, now happened thrice a day, and each order was meant for 6 people, this was on top of the greasy, sloppy food we already made for us in a day.

Buying larger clothes was now a weekly occurence, I started working from home, which did not help to burn all the tens of thousands of calories consumed between the 2 of us.

Weeks turned to months, months turned the years, some procedure every day.

Now looking upon us two, it would be a suprise for people we ever were thin.

You sat in the sofa and scanned my body as I sat in my extra wide, heavy load computer chair, working at my desk, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers, as regular clothing as become too hot to wear during the days.

My gut had expanded outward, sideways and downward, not only resting on top of the computer chairs armrest, but also resting on the seat between my thighs, atleast the part that didn't hang down from the front of the seat a few inches. My thighs had gotten treetrunk like and had developed rolls on the inner, but that was always obscured by the large belly that I carried. My moobs, which were once just large, was now permantly rested on top of my belly, even when standing, splayed and flattened by their own weight.

Well, you weren't much better yourself.

Your breasts were now huge melons, hanging down on each side of your belly, to right around were your navel once was. Your navel, now hidden by rolls, was located somewhere between your knees and your genitalia, not that one could see any of them, your genitals were by your belly apron, and your knees were hidden by the roll over of your cellulite ridden thunder thighs. They rolled and obscured your kneecaps the same way your ankles rolled and obscured your chubby feet, your toes even had rolls on them.

Your fat lower legs wasn't the only thing that obscured parts of your body, your elbows were kept away from the light by inches of upper arms fat drooping over, the same way your big fat slab for a chin covered your neck.

Not that non of our bodies have seen any light other than that from the television and the computer, non of us had been outside for months, usually taking sub 100 steps a day, just waddling from the bed to our places, you on the couch and me on that computer chair, only I taking a few steps more to get the deliveries of groceries and takeaway by the door, which was a chore. None of us could even get up without getting winded, back pain, knee pain and feet pain, so our days consisted mostly of eating, whilst I worked for a bit during the day, roughly 6 hours of sleep, and 18 hours of eating.

You gazed a bit on your naked, neared immobile body slumped on the couch, and then looked upon me, your near immobile boyfriend seated in a computer chair, and could only feel one feeling:

Contentdness

[bigification]

Ex Jockifier - Male TF

Being the captain of the college football team is a lot of pressure, especially around big games where all eyes are on you. Though you feel the weight lift from your shoulders as you drive away from another successful win. Even better someone from your team is hosting a house party to celebrate.

You show up to the party, covered in your sweaty gear, as it was tradition at your college for the captain to wear his gear after a win. "Hey, the big man made it!" Your buddy yells from the living room. You never got why he called you big man since you weren't that big, but it didn't bother you that much. "Coach bought us a surprise, check it out!" Your bud says with a grin on his face as he drags you to what you could only describe as a futuristic portapotty in the middle of the living room. "Wtf is that!" You laugh at how ridiculous this box looks. "Coach called it the 'Ex Jockifier', said the man of the hour should test it out." He says while nudging you towards it. You assume it'll just have a funnel for booze in it and coach just wants you to let loose after a good game, so you willingly hop in.

You were right in assuming there would be a funnel for booze, but it seems too elaborate on the inside to just be that. Though it's too dark to see much else inside. You climb inside, sit in the surprisingly comfy chair, and put the tube in your mouth. Sure enough, some cheap tasting beer starts flowing through the tube. Normally this amount of beer would be hard for you to chug this fast, but it must have been light if it went down this easy. Before you knew it, you had already lost track of how much booze had entered your body, but you figured you would just go until the beer stopped coming. "How long has it been?" You ask yourself as the alcohol starts to kick in. You almost feel entranced, you don't even notice something starts rubbing your head. A couple nubs start massaging your head as you chug. "Damn this thing can massage too, sick!" You think as you fall deeper into your own mind, though there doesn't seem to be much there right now. Unbeknownst to you, similar nubs start to massage other parts of your body. The only thought you can muster is that it makes your skin feel warm and tight. How long have you been in there? It couldn't have been that long right, but it felt like forever ago that you got in. I mean who cares, the beer tastes better by the second and you feel amazing. As the thoughts get massaged out of your brain, the massage is having just as much impact on your body. You chiselled six pack and solid pecs slowly swell under the touch of the prongs. The bottom row of abs disappears into a pocket of fat, then the second row, then the third until only a flat stomach remains. Though it doesn't last long, as the prongs of the machine massage the now soft fat on your stomach grows and grows until a plump and round belly is all that's left. Your brain had the capacity to pay attention right now, you would hear the sound of your jersey ripping right open. A big rip formed directly in front of your gut, allowing it to lay freely on your thighs.

Your pecs fall to the same fate as your soft gut. They begin to swell until the massaging prongs, they grow further and further out from your body as they begin to hang over your gut. Once proud pecs now more resemble the man tits of a football dad who drink too much beer. Your nipples shift from the outside edge of your chest to the center of each moob, as they each swell to twice their original size. As you continue to grow, what's left of your jersey starts to look more and more like a bra before ripping, releasing your moobs from their prison.

The machine works its magic on the rest of your body, moving from part to part and leaving everything on your body plump and soft. Your ass explodes with fat, ripping through your shorts and leaving nothing but a jockstrap behind. Your thighs become massive trunks, permanently rubbing against eachother. Your feet grow many sizes, making your toes burst through the front of your now tiny shoes. Your arms follow the same trend as your legs, growing thick biceps and massive man hands, perfect for chucking big footballs.

By now, there is not a single thought crossed your mind, just enjoyment of the beer rapidly entering your massive stomach. Though something finally catches your attention as the machine grabs your dick under your jockstrap. Your dick stands up at the slightest touch from the machine, making you tense up. Your massive hands grin the side of the chair as the machine tugs on your dick, stretching it out but also multiplying its girth. Your dick grows until it is barely contained by your jock. As the machine was working your dick, it also began massaging your face. The sharp features of your face begin to soften as fat covers your jawline and your cheeks. Short stubble also starts to grow over your soft jaw and your double chin.

As fast as it began, it ended. All of the machines retracted and beer stopped flowing through the tube. "Fuuuuuuck dude." You chuckle. "Buuurrrrraaaappp!" You let out a massive belch as you get up, having to lean on the wall of the machine to balance yourself. "Fuck dude, I'm so fuuucked." You chuckle again as you keep adjusting your jock, trying in vain to find a comfortable position for your massive cock. "Damn dude, when did this box get so cramped man." You say as both your shoulders now touch either side of the box and you have to duck to even stand.

You whip open the door to see your team staring at you. "That.... Was.... So... Siiick!" You slurr your words. Without hesitation, the entire team starts cheering you on. "Where the fuck did your clothes go big man" your friends asks looking at your near naked body.

You look down at your tiny looking buddy, "Who tf needs clothes!" "You think you got any more room in there big guy." He says as he slaps your gut. "No but you do!" You respond as you toss him into the Ex Jockifier. "Have fun little man!"

The men took turns tossing each other into the machine, watching each one walk out taller, fatter, and much much dumber. The next practice, the coach had a full team of massive guys fully dedicated to only football, just like he planned. It's not like they were smart enough to do anything else other than drink and fuck.

[nana-kom]

Hi 👋🏻

This is a wg fic, this contain weight gain, feederism, a little bit of sex, humiliation and bullying. If you don’t like don’t read.

New York’s Feedie

When Jeongin met Hyunjin two years ago, he never imagined that his life would take this turn, yet here he was, living in a sublime New York apartment with his boyfriend. It had been over three months since the two men had moved in, and they were both blossoming. Jeongin felt grateful for all they had achieved together, but he was nervous about his new life in the United States, as it was a very different place from what he had known in Korea. What's more, Hyunjin had recently signed with a modeling agency and had been on the job for several weeks, while Jeongin had enrolled at a university to continue his studies in literature. Things had by no means been rushed, and both were doing their best to keep things running smoothly, both in their relationship and in their various occupations. Although Jeongin was increasingly used to feeling lonely because Hyunjin worked so much, he obviously loved him and felt grateful for all the opportunities he had given him, but the feeling of loneliness had quickly replaced the excitement of the early days.

At first, Jeongin decided to devote himself to his studies and writing, as he too wanted to sign with a publishing house, but he knew he needed to make even more of an effort. As the days went by, Jeongin also made friends at university, which made him feel more surrounded, especially as he also met a boy from Korea named Jisung. He was really nice to Jeongin, and they spent most of their time together at university. As a friend, Jisung decided to act as Jeongin's tour guide to the best restaurants in New York. As Jeongin had no shortage of free time, every lunchtime they went to different places to sample the food. Jisung loved to eat, Jeongin always saw him nibbling on something, yet the man was miraculously still very slim, and he also spent a lot of time at the gym. Jeongin had tried sport before, but it wasn't really his thing, preferring to enjoy meals with his friend. Jeongin learn to love eating huge amount of food with his friend, when their class were over, they were going on new restaurant to make Jeongin taste different thing on the menue. And Jeongin was really enjoying every moment of eating, feeling the pleasure of the food in his mouth and how his belly was also swollen after every meal. So he takes a next step when he asked Jisung to give him some good addresses for having food delivered to his home, which Jisung did, and in the evenings that followed he order from one restaurant to another. Now eating his lunch with Jisung and enjoy his meal at night by himself in his apartment. As the days went by, the extra kilos began to show on his body, but even if he wasn't paying attention, he couldn't see much difference, and the food here must be higher in calories, so it's probably normal, he told himself. One evening, as he was drifting off to sleep, he heard the apartment door open and a few minutes later Hyunjin lay down on the bed beside him before putting his arms around him.

"I missed you," said Hyunjin, kissing Jeongin's cheek, and Jeongin smiled.

"You too." Said Jeongin and Hyunjin wrapped his arms around his belly before suddenly starting to touch it, catching the fat that was starting to appear.

"Looks like you're enjoying the food here... "Said Hyunjin and Jeongin suddenly straightened up, turning on the light.

"And what does that mean?"

"Nothing! It's just a fact, but I think it's super cute!"

"Hyunjin I don't understand what you're talking about!"

"It's just that...you've...well it's light...but you've put on weight..."

"The food here is pretty expensive and we don't have much choice in the cafeteria...and I try my best to…stay healthy…"

"I'm sorry baby, I know and I'm not saying it's your fault...I'm never here to eat with you...and I don't know any place to eat here..."

"Me neither...But I can lose weight if you'd prefer..."

"Of course not, I love your belly, it's all soft and fluffy, and I just want to kiss your little cheeks." Said Hyunjin, placing a kiss on it.

"Still, I don't see how I could have gained any weight..."

"In any case, you're still adorable."

That night, they fell asleep together, Hyunjn's hands around Jeongin's belly. Jeongin was well aware that he had lied, but he couldn't admit that he spent his days gorging himself. Because now, when he wasn't in class, he was either at the restaurant with Jisung, or at home eating, or working on his lessons with snacks on the side... He'd fallen in love with food and couldn't get away from it. Every bit of food that entered his mouth made him a little happier than the moment before. His weight gain became even more noticeable when his pants became too small for his thighs and belly, and also when his belly began to protrude from his t-shirts. Luckily for him, finding larger clothes wasn't difficult, and although he loved dressing up, being comfortable quickly became more important.

As the weeks went by, he noticed that his arms were getting bigger too, and that his belly was swollen all the time, starting to show more and more despite his baggy clothes, and he knew he wouldn't be able to hide his visible pair of breasts for much longer. But he'd also noticed that the more weight he gained, the more Hyunjin took care of him and even made sure to come home early to cook for him, so in his eyes it was a win-win situation. Hyunjin had noticed that he was eating more than before, but he had no idea how much Jeongin could eat in a day. Hyunjin wasn't the only one to notice Jeongin's sudden weight gain, and Jisung, for his part, seeing her friend taking pleasure in eating, began to offer to eat more and even help him finish his meals when Jeongin couldn't move. In the months that followed, Hyunjin increasingly found Jeongin not sleeping but on the sofa, finishing his meals with his stomach exposed and his hands massaging it. Jeongin was really fat by now, finding it hard to walk because of his belly, which was full all the time due to the food, and above all he had become more lazy than before and didn't really like to make any effort. And despite his new condition, Hyunjin found him so sexy and their sex life so much more exiting, Hyunjin loved to touch Jeongin’s breasts and when he was being penetrated by his boyfriend, he loved to feel his belly falling against his body. He loved to feel the weight of Jeongin's body on his own, and he loved to explore every part of his body and his fat. He was really happy with his boyfriend but his new body was something that really turn him on, he doesn’t really now why. But seeing how fat Jeongin was becoming make him really happy and kinda horny too.

One evening, Hyunjin arrived at Jeongin's door, explaining that he had been invited to a gala and would like him to accompany him. Jeongin agreed, wanting to please his boyfriend, but finding a suit in his size this time was much more complicated, but thanks to Hyunjin's contacts, they succeeded anyway, and seeing Jeongin in that outfit that evening, Hyunjin fell in love all over again. Seeing his double chin go over his collar and the shirt they'd taken a little wider a few weeks ago were now slightly too tight on him. After complimenting him all the way, they arrived at the party, and as they entered the reception hall, all eyes turned to them. Most people were whispering behind Jeongin's back as he waddled to Hyunjin's side. Hyunjin left his boyfriend for a moment to fetch them drinks from the bar, and a colleague nd of Hyunjin's wasted no time in making his way over to him.

 « You invited a friend?" His colleague asked.

"He's my boyfriend, actually! I wanted to make sure everyone liked me before showing I was in a relationship with a guy..."

"With a guy or with a whale?" Hyunjin raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Nah, seriously, Hwang, how can you date a guy like that? There's so much better out there...oh or is he rich?"

"Fuck you." Hyunjin then walked over to Jeongin before taking his hand tenderly.

"Shall we go?"

"What? Already? I haven't even met your colleagues."

"They're not worth it...I..."

"Hyunjin!" then called out a woman in the distance before arriving at his side. "Glad you and your...friend could make it..."

"Jeongin, nice to meet you!" he said, shaking her hand, and the woman winced slightly.

"Yeah…whatever...Can we talk? In private?" She said, resting her eyes on Hyunjin, and he nodded before telling Jeongin to wait for him.

Jeongin smiled and let him go before heading over to the buffet and starting to taste the different dishes that were being served, and the food was delicious, he could feel that it was good food and in his taste buds he could feel the luxury of this event and also realized all the work that Hyunjin did for him to be here and that if he could be here it was thanks to him.

"I don't think pigs are allowed at this kind of party!" then said someone behind his back.

"Excuse me?" Jeongin said, turning around.

"Are you really dating Hyunjin? How can he be dating someone like you?"

"I...we've been together for over two years...what business is it of yours?"

"When the most popular model of the season goes out with a real pig there's plenty to wonder about. Come on, tell me, did you pay for it?"

"No...I..."

Tears welled up in Jeongin's eyes and he decided to leave the party, so he found himself all alone outside waiting for Hyunjin to get out of that horrible place. He looked down at his belly and sighed. He'd put on weight, yes, and he'd never been treated this way before, so he didn't understand the problem: he was still a human and deserved respect. After a moment, Hyunjin came running up to him and gave him a hug.

"I'm sorry, we should never have come, these people...they're stupid."

"Why aren’t you leaving me?" Said jeongin, wiping away his tears. "I didn't put on weight just by eating at the cafeteria, I’m eating all the time..and I don't want to stop...you weren't there and I had nothing else to do...but now…it’s different…I love being fat…not really right now …but in general… »

"Innie, I don't care about your weight, I find you...super sexy, I love every one of your shapes and every single one of your bulges. And you're the man I love above all else, thin or fat, you're mine!"

"But someone like you..."

"Stop it, we don't care, the modeling world is super demanding on people's looks but they're not us! And I'm not them! I'm me and I love you!"

"I love you too!"

Hyunjin then smiled before hugging him again more tenderly and Jeongin felt safe in his boyfriend's arms, Hyunjin stepped back before caressing his cheeks then kissing him tenderly as he felt the taste of the tears that had run down his lips.

"Come on, let's both go have some fun!" said Hyunjin. "I'll look for a nice restaurant for you and me ok?"

"Wait, I've got a question, what did your colleague say to you?"

"Well...she asked me why I'd brought you here and what it did for my reputation..."

"Oh...and what did you say?"

"I told her that if she was jealous of our relationship she should find someone else...and that I was very happy with you no matter what they could think, after that I left because I didn’t want to listen to them talk for any longer tonight !"

"Thank you for standing up for me, I love you."

"Me too, and now I'm taking you to eat my greedy baby."

"Wait...I'm going to choose…I’m the expert, and I know a really nice place..."

"I'll follow you then. Surprise me."

"Trust me, you won't be disappointed."

[spoiltizzy]

I've weathered many a fandom, and something I noticed about OFMD is that--while I've seen damn near every kink under the sun take off with the fans--there isn't a lot of feedist/weight gain/belly kink arts/fic. And I wonder if it's because OFMD already features multiple sexy fat characters, all of whom are allowed to be richly complex and human?

At first I'd thought it would be the opposite, show with multiple fat characters overflowing with belly kink fan work. But then I looked back on the fandoms I've been in, and feedism content seemed to show up more if there weren't a lot or any fat characters, and what fat characters were around were just one note and not allowed to be their own person.

Reminds me of how, in stories not featuring a lot of queer people, fans chomp at the bit to headcanon canonically cishet characters as some flavor of queer.

Like if there's *lack* of representation fans will compensate, whether it's headcanoning a straight character as gay or having a canon thin character gain a bunch of weight. But in stoires like in OFMD, there's less likelihood of fans trying to make up for a lack of rep *because* there's no lack. The rep is there and it's good.

Or maybe I'm just totally off base. I've def rambled on in your ask box, that's for sure

To be honest I don't quite relate to what you mean because to me OFMD is the only fandom I've felt like I've been a part of a community of feedists in, haha. Forgive me if you weren't saying this and I've read it wrong, but I think you're saying there's not much belly kink content for OFMD?? I often think about how I'm fascinated by the fact that, in my eyes, belly kink content took off in this fandom. Although you're right that there's not that much art out there except for my own, haha. I have seen other people draw like, fat Izzy and stuff, but mostly on commission. I don't know if I can find those links rn but I'll look around later on and maybe reblog this post.

I know I don't get a lot of interaction on this blog and my fics aren't THAT popular but between the discord server and the fact I don't have much experience with getting attention in larger fandoms but there's been a fair amount of engagement with my feedism fics in this fandom AND I've read a lot of belly fic in this fandom, it seems to me like belly kink is fairly accepted here?

There's also just a general appreciation for the softness of bodies in fic in this fandom, I tend to find. It's more common than in other fandoms for non-belly kink fic to mention soft bellies. Well, it's no Good Omens fandom, where the belly stuff is sorta almost taken as a given and it's borderline kink and goes untagged sometimes too it's so inherent to the main pairing, but the OFMD fandom certainly has an appreciation for softness of the body types of the middle-aged main pairing.

I don't know exactly what other fandoms you're referencing, maybe big fandoms that just inherently have bigger sample sizes for people of all different kinks, but OFMD seems pretty full of belly stuff to me? And a lot more of it seems really loving and comes with plot and character study than I've sometimes seen in other fandoms where there's nothing but the belly stuff in the belly content, to a point it almost seems, for lack of a better word, dehumanising? Or, lacks romance, anyway. Most of the belly stuff I encounter in OFMD is very horny but also has a sweetness to it, or like, comes along with fairly common and enticing fanfic plots, maybe even some angst, just overall a lot of heart and a lot of dimension.

You'll find the majority of feedist-themed OFMD fic under this and that search, I think. I'm sure you didn't need any help with this but I really do think there's a fair amount of it out there. I'm also friends with people who are often working on more of it at any given time.

I know what you mean about the compensation thing though. Like, I reckon when it comes to the ratio of feedist fic to normal fic, there's probably not as much in the Sherlock fandom, but there's more numerically, I think. And it's not at all a fandom you'd guess from the canon would have any belly content in it. I think it makes more sense in Supernatural because there's a lot more food and eating in the canon there, but then you've also got characters who just never seem to gain any weight, and yeah, like. That can drive people a bit nuts. I can't quite think of other examples now but feel free to let me know. Still, I don't think, when you think about the fact there's a lot less fic for OFMD overall (especially because it's existed for a lot less time!!! these other fandoms have been producing content and active for years!) then there's actually quite a bit of belly fic. There really could be more art tho tbh... I am talking to a Void here lmaooo...

[alittleghostwhoeatsbread]

As Safe As Houses

Like that of footsteps on foot soldier leaves felled from trees during the annual orange war, the arm rustled as it was drawn back, but there was no sound at all as it was thrown, soaring in a flat arc with the gay grey grace of a pigeon before deciding that it wouldn’t be silenced and letting out a ping! as it bounced harmlessly off my breastplate, the it of it being a pebble- or small stone depending how large loose rock has to be for you to promote it from pebble to small stone- and so doing only a ping! amount of damage. Through my visor, I watched the mouth attached to the throwing arm get maniacal as its owner, a boy with sausage roll type thumbs, bent and picked up another hunk of rock, one which nobody, no matter what their opinion in the pebble/stone debate, would not consider a STONE- capitalized for the danger its sharp mineral edges posed- hurling that at me too with a further rustling like that of a packet of crisps being domestically abused, this STONE not soaring with any gayness or grace but zipping, almost invisibly, with the speed of a rock whose life motto was its ore or nothing, colliding with my breastplate with a clang!

“Why are you standing there? Here?” the sausage roll thumb boy asked as quick as lickety once did the splits, another STONE already in hand ready to let fly. “You should be at a castle or something. Are you a weirdo? Something else?”

I was about to spin a yarn so tight around him he’d know for sure that I wasn’t a weirdo but very normal and that my armour was also normal and merely a precaution, like the inflatable suits those who’ve been hit by cars wear to prevent any other damn car intending to hit them from hurting them again, and that he shouldn’t throw rocks at me because that really devalued my precaution, but just then Beth came out of the coffee shop with our drinks, saw the patch of dirt the STONE had left on my breastplate, and made the boy leave me alone by doing what Beth did so well, which was toss her temper in some easily lost in woods in such a spectacular way that she didn’t have to say anything to make people deeply regret doing the something that'd made her temper be tossed, her face going as red as the belly of the beast who’d forgot their sun cream, her body contorting, wiggling like a slab of heated butter being struck with a tenderiser. At seeing such a sight, the sausage roll thumb boy fled into the day, leaving me with already spun yarn to swallow and gratitude to express as Beth, satisfied but still red faced, smiled and handed me my coffee specially equipped with a twisty visor accessible straw, grabbing my free gauntlet before I could express anything and dragging me towards the park and the point in the park we went every Sunday, Intervention Point, a point living beneath a fat, rather squat, tree that's trunk had been so shrouded by its own overhanging branches it resembled an upside down mop we entered by pushing said overhanging branches apart and revealing a circular space invisible from the outside, filled with logs and other such woodenry for Beth and me to sit on.

“It’s been four years today, Delroy. Do you or do you don’t think you’re finally ready to step out of that armour, feel the air?”

“Beth, not today or possibly ever, I'm not ready, and it's because I just don't need to feel that. I can feel the air, it runs through my joints sometimes and is oh-so rejuvenating when it does, and most importantly, I feel safe.”

“But being clad from head to toe, still, it's just unnecessary. Isn't it?"

“True... if I take the un from unnecessary and toss it in a blender to make the word I think you know it makes but which I’ll say anyway. Necessary. Look at this dirt on my breastplate, Beth. If I hadn’t been cladded from at least torso to toe, I could have been mildly hurt, mildly!”

“But you wouldn’t have had rocks tossed at you if you hadn’t been wearing armour!” Beth gripped some of the hanging branches that hung into the space of Intervention Point, wrapping them gently around her fist and rubbing the green leaves on her cheek, clearly preparing to say what she was always going to say, all the while knowing that what she was preparing to say would exasperate me to no ends. “It’s the solution to the problem it causes.”

“Don’t get therapeutic on me. You know I hate it when you get therapeutic. You’re supposed to be my friend and support me, not give me know-it-all advice with no thought for how I would advise if I wanted to advise myself. The armour isn’t a problem and most of the time I forget I’m in it at all.”

“Don’t get defensive, Delroy. Remember, you’re not a coconut tree so stop dropping spiky balls on me. Also, don’t pretend that I don’t also know what it’s like to be in armour. I was more than half clad in metal myself when we met.”

I put my helmet in hand and sighed, looking around at the fragments of yellowish light that filtered in through the Intervention Point tree’s dense leaves and lived as butterflies- swirling hand in hand with smaller fragments of dust when young and bright before abruptly discarding childish things such as swirling and being hand in hand, settling down in patches on the same leaves Beth had rubbed up on her face and fading to black-enjoying how said light, while swirling at least, glinted off the armour I’d conditioned in the bath that very morning so it would act like a prize poodle and shine for this meeting with Beth. I fingered the patch of metal residing directly above the space below where my bellybutton resided with my other free hand as I looked, my bellybutton below that was mottled, puckered, and wholly unlike a normal bellybutton because when Beth and I had met I’d still been with I-Won’t-Say-Their-Name-Because-They’re-An-Asshole and not wearing armour, and Beth, who was not only wearing armour at the time but also going by the name of Arbalist and carrying round a crossbow to keep people at bay, had let loose a bolt in my belly.

“I know you remember,” Beth continued. “With that mottle that used to be a bellybutton you don’t certainly need reminding. But you do seem to need reminding that I used to say, insist even, that I often forgot I was wearing armour or shooting bolts at people. So, I know it isn’t true. I also know what you will know today if today is the day, and that is that it was a load removed when I finally did just that.”

No armour is complete without a weapon and mine was a sword, tucked as snug as a bug in a leather sheaf on my side, unused against other swords or weaponry in the five years I’d carried it- my instinct in any situation that might have required weaponry or sword swinging, which without a doubt was a situation that lay way past the last chance saloon, being to flee as soon as any situation approached I’m-getting-close-to-getting-angry mountain- but used whenever Beth milled my nerves, drawing it from its sheaf and raising it in the air with a ‘Hiyaaaa!’, swinging it aimlessly at any straggler hanging branches that didn’t have the function of hiding us beneath the Intervention Point tree but had the function of getting in the way whenever we tried to walk around.

“Delroy, every week with the slicing and hiyaaas. Stop slicing. Stop Hiyaaing. Look at me. This situation is getting silly enough for the others in town who know you like I know you to think that it’s been way too long now since it happened with I-Won’t-Say-Their-Name-But-They’re-An-Asshole to justify you still wearing armour without it being weird.”

“... others are thinking that?”

"Others are talking about that."

"Are you thinking and talking about that with them?”

“I’ve talked of course, it would've been strange if I’d been around and hadn’t. But what I’ve talked about is beside the point. What the point is really is that more often than not the others who don’t really know you but have seen you around join the others who do really know you when the others who do really know you are talking and comparing you to weird persons such as Mary-Who-Lives-Under-The-Bridge-Even-Though-She-Has-A-Beautiful-House.”

Obscuredly I dropped my jaw but visibly I swung my sword, not at branches or leaves, but in a general circle, my armour making the cartoonish sound of chattering teeth as the many times I’d partook in the talking and making of not very nice comments about Mary-Who-Lives-Under-The-Bridge-Even-Though-She-Has-A-Beautiful-House, usually when Mary had been in hearing distance and just buying a coffee or sandwich to take back under her bridge, ran through my head alongside the still but familiar image of Mary- who’d forsaken clothes along with her beautiful house and so stood naked and exposed to the world because, as she shrugged answeringly when questioned, ‘What have you got to hide under a bridge?’- smiling at all the talking and not very nice comments and tipping an imaginary bowler hat to those of us that had made them, her body language clearly signalling the start of a sauntering off that would certainly be done with the fantabulous energy of a potato that knows the pot is a waiting but also that it has at least five damn minutes left to live like a potato with nothing to lose. I knew I wouldn't be able to take the hearing of any not very nice comments quite as in my stride- which even before the armour had been the self-conscious stride of a newly legged trout- as she, and that my armour would soon resemble a flaky painting of a muddy sunset from all the salty tears I would shed within it, salty tears that would be shed regardless even of hearing as just knowing comments were being made was scary enough to induce moisture, that knowing made doubly scary- you know double scariness? That feeling when you’re in an old easily broken down car on a dark night in a dark wood and that car has done its dues and broken down just when a fog as thick as a curious French brie is settling on the surrounding dark trees and just when a shadow darker than the rest of the shadowy darkness moves in the same surrounding trees in a lurching manner so that not only does the frightful fog settling afear you but the lurching shadow does as well- by also knowing that to stop the comments I’d have to cast my precaution to the wind and invite all the hurt and pain of all the hurt and pain varieties to have free rein over my fragile body.

“I’m nothing like Mary-Who-Lives-Under-The-Bridge-Even-Though-She-Has-A-Beautiful-House,” I cried as Mary crawled beneath my general sword swing to grab my gauntlets and stop them sword swinging in general. “I don’t live under a bridge though I have a delightful converted four-bed warehouse home to go to or go about laughing at those who want some protection with her exposed belly and shoulders which by being exposed say me? Need protection? Pishaw that stuffs for wimps. She doesn’t and has never engaged in the making of not very nice comments or talking, but I have and do! I engage with talking and commenting whenever I’m allowed or around. I’m completely normal if you do what I do and forget I’m wearing armour.”

“It isn’t just engaging with talking and the making of comments that make you normal, Delroy, it’s being like the rest of us and you can’t be like the rest of us because you don’t look like the rest of us. You’re a walking talking suit of armour and nobody, not even you so don’t lie, can forget that.” Beth paused here before saying something further with the out-of-the-side-of-the-mouth whispering of a war photographer perpetually puffing on their wartime smoking pipe and asking photographic permission without wanting the asking of photographic permission to be heard. “Sometimes when all the others are talking and commenting not very nice things and I’m there too Mary-Who-Lives-Under-The-Bridge-Even-Though-She-Has-A-Beautiful-House isn’t even mentioned, sometimes she’s skipped over and they go straight to comparing you to Mark-Who-Believes-He’s-A-Nuclear-Bomb-And-That-Only-By-Kissing-The-Most-Handsome-Men-On-The-Mouths-In-A-Surprise-Kiss-Attack-Will-He-Save-The-World-By-Not-Going-Off.”

Mark-Who-Believes-He’s-A-Nuclear-Bomb-And-That-Only-By-Kissing-The-Most-Handsome-Men-On-The-Mouths-In-A-Surprise-Kiss-Attack-Will-He-Save-The-World-By-Not-Going-Off was the worst person to be compared to if you wanted to wear armour but for everyone to treat you normally- him being the epitome of social avoidance, there often being town meetings that I often went to all about how we could convince him there was nobody left to prevent him going off, plans such as all of us collectively leaving the town for several days, leaving him having to wander so far in search of handsome men to sneak kisses on that he would eventually wander right into a different town or city- and, upon hearing the comparison had been done, I did what life calls everybody who wears armour to do at some point after being cornered by those wishing them to take it off, become defensive and attack those doing the cornering, pulling my gauntlets from the grasp to point a finger at Beth’s face.

“You were wearing armour and shooting bolts for over two years at least after being hurt and not once were you compared Mary-Who-Lives-Under-The-Bridge-Even-Though-She-Has-A-Beautiful-House or Mark-Who-Believes-He’s-A-Nuclear-Bomb-And-That-Only-By-Kissing-The-Most-Handsome-Men-On-The-Mouths-In-A-Surprise-Kiss-Attack-Will-He-Save-The-World-By-Not-Going-Off. Not once. So I’m starting that maybe nobody in town is saying this. I’m starting to think that maybe I should start thinking that it's maybe just you who’s saying this and that you’re simply saying it because you want me to take it off so you can steal it for yourself.”

My attacking voice, which had been used barely once a year since I was four and which had certainly never been used on my friend, made Beth flinch like a love-lorn leviathan coming upon their love entangled with another and reach almost instinctively for her handbag- which like most bags, or personal objects of concealment in the town, held a small portion of armour for those moments in life when protection really is required, her small piece being in fact not that small and in fact being the quite large crossbow from her Arbalist days- her face turning tomato as her temper, which as mentioned before was a large angry dog held in the garden only by a threadbare lead that could be snapped at the dropping of a hat if the hat that dropped happened to drop on that lead, was let loose. Beth, who had always taken great care in not losing her temper with me because she was a sweetheart and knew that even before my armour I could only take so much shouting and that after I’d donned it could take even less, forgot her care, barked while slobbering like an Igor impersonating a dog, and jumped on my breastplate, denting the plate covering my breast and pushing me backwards so that I fell, also backwards, and rolled on the floor with the elegance of a mechanical elephant whose trunk has taken it upon itself to both trip it and lasso its legs together midfall- that is with a great clanging and a Damn-I-Have-A-Tripwire/Lasso-Rather-Than-A-Trunk type roar, picture a metal bin making love to waste compressor and you’ll get the sound- right out of Intervention Point and back into the park, but not stopping there, going further with the roll, Beth still on top of me and rolling too to make it so we were both a part of the most aggressive roly-poly the world had ever seen.

We roly-polypunched right into the Fighting Point- earmarked as that by Beth and I years before with it’ll-never-happen-but-just-in-case deep bellied chuckles- that, rather than a peaceful circular space hidden beneath a tree, was a deep dark pit resembling the bear fighting pits of bygone years when pits were still dug to accommodate such things as bear fights, so close to the edge of the park you could, if you were inclined, theoretically say that where the pit sat wasn’t park at all but the town and was only still considered park because some trees shaded it, though a large clothing store did too, and because it had a dirt floor that was not soft but hard enough to take both Beth’s and my own breath away. So that for several moments after we roly-polypunched alllllllllll the way down to the bottom of it, we were entirely breathless, held close by the dirt that'd taken our breath and desperately sought more, its soughting being unfruitful for the several moments we lay in its arms, gasping with the quiet desperation of mushrooms with mouths but no respiratory system, these several moments prefacing further several moments during which all members of the town in seeable and hearable distance came to look down into the pit and watch us abruptly evolve into mushrooms with lungs, air flooding back as Beth and I crawled away each other and stood, me drawing my sword on my friend and her drawing her crossbow on hers.

“Look, it’s Delroy. Urgh, and still armoured from head to toe…” the town members said while gathered as they were around the lip of the pit, their voices loud and echoing down to my ears. “…he’s definitely more unusual then Mary-Who-Lives-Under-The-Bridge-Even-Though-She-Has-A-Beautiful-House now… equal I’d say to Mark-Who-Believes-He’s-A-Nuclear-Bomb-And-That-Only-By-Kissing-The-Most-Handsome-Men-On-The-Mouths-In-A-Surprise-Kiss-Attack-Will-He-Save-The-World-By-Not-Going-Off…worse? No that’s too much… could get there… definitely getting there… I for one say he's arrived at his destination... look at all that protection… how obscene and strange… been way too long since it happened… it makes me feel like the small piece I carry for just in case isn’t enough… a small piece is more than enough… it’s Delroy who's overprepared… he's not a knight.... weirdo… freak… GET HIM BETH.”

Hearing that talk and not very nice comments really were being made about me not having removed my protection or yet got over the solidified ball of acidic pain slowly corroding my heart that I-Won’t-Say-Their-Name-But-They’re-An-Asshole had planted made my anger towards Beth fade but seemingly did the opposite to her as she let out a shriek and a bolt as soon as the suggestion she get me was given, so quickly that I barely parried the zooming bolt away, leaving it stuck, quivering, in the dirt side of the pit. You’d think it was but it wasn’t the loosening of the bolt that brightened my anger again, rather it was the appearance, sudden and as light as the light of the Lord when they said with a snapping that light should be let, of I-Won’t-Say-Their-Name-But-They’re-An-Asshole leaning with the other town-folk over the lip of the pit, looking with the satisfaction of a serial whistler doing their serial duty at my armour, and shouting, ‘YEAH, GET HIM BETH,’ that made that anger rise right back up and make me return something for the loosening of the bolt- that return being a short sprint followed by a short swing.

“Five years of my life, Delroy, five of them,” Beth, who just managed to dodge that short swing with the agility of a particularly dexterous dolphin or someone not wearing full metal body armour, snarled. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5. All of them spent being your friend, interventioning, only occasionally when I really wanted to do it more joining in with the talking and not very nice comment making about you, and you accuse me of simply wanting your armour? J’accuse! Auf der hut!”

 Here Beth did a fashionable roll I suspected was just for the watchers, who supportively let out a cheer to let her know they still were, while simultaneously re-loading, sending another bolt my way as soon as she rightened in such a smooth combative transition that I failed to notice a bolt had been loaded and released until that released bolt went clean through my armour, missing my flesh by somehow finding a gap between my shoulder and the shoulder of my casing but causing a hole that curious air swiftly flowed through to explore nonetheless.

“Look at you, Beth, clutching a crossbow, AKA a piece of armour. Oh hypocrisy, come and lap from my frigid breast for your mother lies milkless before me!”

“Look up and then also look around, Delroy. Look at the people, your township, they’re all, ALL, clutching pieces of armour. Ipso facto there’s nothing wrong with a little clutch every now and then, to feel safe.”

“But if there’s nothing wrong with a clutch now and then, why is there something wrong with a clad?”

“Because no one else is clad! Why should you be that safe? No one else is, no one else even wants to be except for directly and then for a reasonable amount of time after being severely hurt. Being that safe this long after being hurt is weird, not to mention unhealthy.”

Here my temper- which had already flared up by the sight and sound of I-Won’t-Say-Their-Name-But-They’re-An-Asshole looking smug and cheering Beth on, and been made worse by the amount of air flowing into my armour through the hole, which was too much air to merely be rejuvenating and was actually rather exposing- flared even more and aided my speed of attack to no end, so that with a dart and a dash I burst toward Beth, the sound effects of SHING! And TING! being the ones my blade let out as I blocked two bolts somehow sent my dashing way before a KACHING! rollicked out as my sword, which had been falling with an executioner's precision towards the crook of Beth’s ostrich neck, came in contact instead with the side of her crossbow, raised just in time to block me.

‘PHUT, PFFT,’ were the bullish snorts falling with white puffs of hot air down into the Fighting Point, echoing around to make things feel Caligulian as Beth and I freely traded blows, the sun, which didn’t dare shine into the pit though it illuminated the town in a picturesque glow metres away, illuminated also the folk doing the snorting, highlighting the moment Mary-Who-Lives-Under-The-Bridge-Even-Though-She-Has-A-Beautiful-House, breasts and chin thrust proudly up to the sky in her pride at not needing protection at all, oil and other living-under-a-bridge liquids smeared on her flesh, joined them along with Mark-Who-Believes-He’s-A-Nuclear-Bomb-And-That-Only-By-Kissing-The-Most-Handsome-Men-On-The-Mouths-In-A-Surprise-Kiss-Attack-Will-He-Save-The-World-By-Not-Going-Off- slyly kissing all the men he could on their mouths as he crept along- neither of them joining in with the cheering but watching all the same, Beth tipping her invisible hat at the sky as if saying she’d never cared about the not very nice comments being made about her but that my word was it nice to stand in a big ol’ crowd and not have them be about her.

“Be a good girl and hit him harder, Beth,” howled the familiar voice of my mother, who had never approved of my armour even when it’d only been a week after what happened with I-Won’t-Say-Their-Name-But-They’re-An-Asshole, and who shoved her way to the very lip of the pit to wave her walking stick in the air in the erratic fashion of a conductor conducting not a symphony but a mass spanking of not just the ass but the whole body of me. “Hit that bleedin’ armour right off him.”

The sound of my mom’s voice, familiar and oh so supportive, spurred Beth on, and with a duck only the truly supported can manage, she lowered her knees and dodged my next swing completely, the weight of said swing not encountering any opposition at all dragging me in a half circle that got my boots tangled tantalisingly, for Beth anyway, and left me wide open for the bolt that suddenly entered my armour at thigh height, going through it and said thigh with the cleanliness of a dentist’s dogs dentures and making me fall, arms jellyfish wiggling as I did so that quite by accident my blade nicked the knee of Beth, the tip digging in and then digging out a portion of flesh, eliciting a swearing from her as she also fell that would make a kakologophobic kooky.

“Shit, shit, shit, twat, my fucking knee, Delroy, you cunt. You’ve taken a fucking chunk out of it.”

“Ohh,” I moaned, my voice doing a breaking, a snapping, like that of a twig person in gloom, loud enough for the watchers high above to all hear, letting me know they'd heard by laughing loudly, and for Beth, much closer, to hear as well, her eyes widening. “Ohhhhhh I'm hurt. I'm not safe, I'm hurt.”

It happened as my arms wrapped around my leg, as if by swaddling it I could revert it to its unhurt childhood, and as I began to rock back and forth on the hard dirt below, tears dripping from my eyes and making the soft cymbal sounds of gentle rain on a tin roof as the droplets formed arms and drummed on and pooled in my helmet, in a flash it happened, the end of the fight. Because while Beth lost her temper easily, a fact that could easily be carved into the side of the town’s little mount rushmore if the town had such a thing and not be disputed by anyone or anything who knew her, it was also a fact that Beth found her temper in whatever enclave or grove it’d been tossed in just as soon as tears of any kind made their way into a situation, those watery incentives quickly drowning her anger in a puddle of themselves before making it bob to the surface as a severely sorry corpse. At the sight of my tears and the hearing of my broken voice, Beth did as she did, calmed, and crawled, as well as someone with a chunk missing from their knee could, to me, stroking the beak of my helmet- which I don’t think I’ve mentioned was of the armet variety and so had a pointy metal growth stretching out from where my nose was, and which was what Beth often affectionately, but usually mockingly, called a beak. The sight of the stroking of me, a weirdo, by a Beth, who was still considered one of them and normal, did not please the watching town folk, who jostled with anger as they watched, at all, as they knew that if one of them was willing to do a stroking, all of them would have to be willing and to prevent having to be willing to do that, the watchers instead began considering that maybe it wasn’t just me who was weird and not one of them but maybe Beth as well, because let’s not forget, they murmured loudly from above, she’d also worn full armour after being hurt, for two years as well, which wasn't that long but was still a period of time that passed in which armour was worn and that maybe two years was just long enough for the wearer to be considered weird even if the armour was no longer around, and that, maybe, if they formed a hoard and spilt over the lip of the pit towards Beth and me, they could, maybe, make the Fighting Point worth its name again, and even rename it, if they could, as Victorious-Point-Where-The-Armour-Was-Finally-Removed-And-Delroy-And-Maybe-Beth-Too-Were-Made-To-Realise-How-Weird-They-Are-And-Banished-From-Town.

“Beth, we hate to say it, but we’re starting to think that maybe you’re an oddball and a weirdo too. We’re starting to think that you don’t really belong with the rest of us and so should be treated like Delroy,” was the prevailing thought process of the town, who had the kindness to also chant it out loud so I'd know it, and once knowing it could disagree completely with the way they were turning on someone who’d interventioned me every Sunday just to get me back in with them and who’d warned me of their growing lack of patience with me and my armour.

“Beth,” I whispered, tapping her shoulder. “Get off me, get away. You aren't a weirdo, you're lovely and don't deserve that label. Go up to them, I'll stay down here. Maybe they'll leave me alone then. Surely they can't be mad about my armour if I also live in a pit.”

Beth didn't say anything in reply, simply stopped stroking my beak to look at me, balls meeting slit, those balls moistening as she assuredly felt what I felt in that moment, which was the feeling of being a baby goose being cradled in the warm crotch of a friendly giant who took goose babies in and loved them endlessly, our mouths suddenly revving the throttle and playing the roles in a major motion picture of two siblings coming together after struggling out of heaven and hell respectively to meet each other in the middle, apologies spilling out simultaneously so it was as if our voices were trains racing to get through a single tunnel.

“I should never have cut a chunk from your knee.”

“I should never have joined in with comparing you to Mary-Who-Lives-Under-The-Bridge-Even-Though-She-Has-A-Beautiful-House.”

“I should never have called you hypocrisy’s mother.”

“I also should never have told you about the Mark-Who-Believes-He’s-A-Nuclear-Bomb-And-That-Only-By-Kissing-The-Most-Handsome-Men-On-The-Mouths-In-A-Surprise-Kiss-Attack-Will-He-Save-The-World-By-Not-Going-Off comparison.”

“I should never have let us roly-polypunch into the Fighting Point and more should be able to say I-Won’t-Say-Their-Name-But-They’re-An-Asshole’s name and you should be able to too. They don’t deserve us not saying their name.”

“They deserve more. They deserve for their name to be legally changed to Asshole-Who-Hurts-People-Enough-To-Not-Be Called-Anything-Other-Than-Asshole. Just Asshole for short.”

The town folk who’d been ready to form a hoard, had all frozen in their forming at the outburst of our emotion and hadn't yet unfrozen by the time we got to the point in the major motion picture when the two siblings collide in the middle, sparks and flashes abound, the familiar smell of their mother's vegetable patties filling the air, reminding them of their childhood and causing them to fall into each other's arms and hug away all the mistakes they'd made to have gone to a different afterlife than the other, hugging the paradise and the torture from each other's bodies, the force of Beth's flesh on my armour as we enacted this giving me the courage to do something I hadn't dared to do in four years, pointing up over her shoulder.

“Hey, Asshole”, I called, receiving the recipient of my call’s eyes on my visor at the calling, their eyes that were no longer smug but sightly averted, shamed- the eyes of a hurricane with barely any wind left revisiting a place it had ruthlessly hurricaned in the days of when it’d been full of wind. “Yeah, Asshole. You look, that’s your name now, and don’t you forget it. If I hear you say differently, remember I have a sword.”

[halleymacleod666]

So update on how it's been going cause I have posted updates on tumblr in a while.

So after I reached my lowest weight in the summer, after summer was over I managed to gain like 10kgs in a few months. I started binging and I couldn't stop, like I've been starving and then binging for years now but it always changes, like I'll starve for a week and that will make me binge and so on... and I've been stuck in that cycle for 5 years. I never had a long period of starving (few weeks usually) and I have never had a long period of binging either (usually about a week at most) but after summer I just started craving junk food so so so bad and I couldn't stop myself from eating it, gained 5kg in a month and another 5 the next month. For the first time in 5 years I gave up on starving completely, like I just ate what I wanted when I wanted and there weren't many healthy choices, I didn't make myself throw up or burn any of the calories off and I didn't tell myself I'll starve tomorrow to make up for it, I just didn't care, I was depressed as fuck, I was sick of trying and I just kept on eating. And then I had reached my highest weight ever, my highest weight used to be 77kg, now it was 78kg. I was at such a low point, I am pretty tall so that was like normal weight per BMI although it might have been slightly overweight.

Anyway, recently (8 days ago) I decided it's time for a change, like I can't live like that anymore, almost none of my jeans fit and I feel absolutely disgusting in my skin, my belly has always been flat but it got so bloated and it even collected a layer of fat, so that had to change asap.

So yeah 8 days ago I started a diet, today I weighed in at 74.7kg so I lost a bit over 3kgs. I started a 30 day challenge where I eat no more than 1500kcals and if I eat more I have to make up for it some other day. It's not starving. The calories are a lot more than what I ate in the past while starving. I do want to starve so bad, I want this weight off of me, I wanna be so fucking thin, but what I want more is to keep the weight I lose off. I always fucking gain it back when I starve. I gain back more than I lost. So I'm eating healthy food, a lot of vegetables and I'm working out and I refuse to regain any more weight ever. I'm gonna stick to this until my weight loss slows down then I'll cut the calories more. But my main priority right now is losing weight and not gaining it back ever again. I haven't binged in a while, I didn't have the need to because before I started my diet I would it whatever I wanted and now I'm eating really healthy foods so I'm satisfied and don't crave junk food.

I've been trying to lose weight fast for years and years, it never works permanently, the puking doesn't work, the overexercising doesn't work, the 500kcal a day doesn't work. None of it will last. It took me a while to learn but I think I need to let go of the idea od fast weight loss and complete starvation and just count my calories but eat a higher amount. I know there will be days when I'll be tempted to overeat and I'll do it willingly in order to avoid binging but I'll also likely make up for it another day by fasting. But no more all or nothing mentality. Like that "I'm gonna eat nothing or everything" is what ruined me, it's perfectionism that's killing me. "I already fucked up so I might as well fuck up more" and shit like that is what ruined me. There is no "I'll start tomorrow" anymore. I'm done with all of that. If I realized this before and didn't tell myself every other day "okay you can eat all of this now but tomorrow we eat nothing" I'd already be super skinny. I sabotaged myself.

Trust me guys if you have this type of "restrict/binge" eating d1sorder just fucking stop doing that to yourself. You will gain more weight if you keep telling yourself "just one more day of eating like that and then I'll starve for a week". Yes you'll lose weight but you will gain it just as quickly. I have 5 years of experience with this. When my eating d1sorder started I was 16yo and 65kg. And 5 years later I managed to gain 12kg. Don't repeat my mistakes. I still want to be really thin but that is not the way, it got me nowhere, I ruined my body, I will fix it tho. As long as it takes. So what if it will take me a few months longer to reach my goal, if I keep going like I have been then in 5 years I still won't be at my goal. So better to get to 58kg in 6 months than to be at 75kg in 5 years. Quick results aren't always good. I understand you want to lose weight as soon as possible I do too. But I promise you, unless you have a typical restrictive disorder (without binging) then you will be much better off doing it slower

[hsjsjkshsksoai]

Notes:

1. English is not my native language; I used apps to translate the text, so there may be some errors.

2. My stories take place in a utopian world where characters no longer need to work and can dedicate themselves to their bodies and their laziness.

Edrick was stalking his social networks and realized that, in 3 months of the new regime, all his friends who, like him, were toned and defined, were now nothing more than soft and lazy chubby guys.

“Look man, I can't believe this, it's been 3 months and they've gotten fat and lazy. Mediocre!" Said Edrick to Tristan, his only friend who, like him, didn't have his body affected.

“Dude, stop it, there's no problem with that, and besides, they, unlike you started to enjoy life a little since they no longer had to work, and I bet you you don’t know how difficult it is to get back into shape dps that”

“ Poof ! Bullshit, it’s just them demonstrating that they’re nothing more than lazy fat people” said Edrick in a mocking tone

“Ah, if you think it's so easy why don't we do a challenge? You spend 3 months gaining weight and after 3 months you return to your shape”

“Man, I’m not going to sacrifice my perfect physique just to prove something to you” said Edrick

“Are you scared, are you? You know that it is more difficult than it seems. Don’t be a coward, if you want I’ll even do it with you ” replied Tristan, trying to provoke Edrick.

“Okay hom , whatever. I will prove to you once and for all that they are nothing but lazy, and that if they wanted they could go back to the way they were.”

“Close then!”

1st day of the challenge

Edrick is still reluctant about the challenge, he still hasn't gotten used to the idea of stopping going to the gym and leaving his restrictive diets aside, Tristan started the challenge very well, he didn't do anything all day and already He ate quintuple of what he normally eats (even if what he normally eats isn't much) leaving his belly bloated.

3rd day of the challenge

Edrick is already getting used to the new lifestyle, he started eating more, even if not much and in the last two days he hasn't been to the gym, his six pack is still very visible, but it is noticeable that he is slightly overlaid by a thin layer of fat.

1st week

Edrick finally let go, now he can spend his days doing completely nothing and eating large amounts of food, his belly, previously with a beautiful defined six-pack now has a layer more generous amount of fat that completely covers his formerly toned belly. Tristan didn't miss a beat but for some reason Edrick still managed to get ahead of him.

1 week and 3 days

Edrick agr has a much more noticeable belly, having a beginner belly or father's body, he has clearly evolved more than Tristan.

“Damn, man! I ate more than you and you even gained more weight than me” said Tristan in a tone of surprise while pinching Edrick’s fat.

“Yeah man, I'm good at everything, even gaining weight” says Edrick confidently while lightly covering his belly.

“I bet that by the end of the 3 months I will be bigger than you ” says Tristan

“Go for it, bro. I can definitely get bigger than you still playing”

“That’s what we’ll see”

After the dialogue, both began to increase their portions, they were committed to surpassing each other, little did they know where this bet would take them.

1 month

The first month of the challenge is complete, and the two friends are almost unrecognizable, Edrick barely moves all day and eats almost impossible portions for a human, his belly was once a beginner's belly now evolves into a larger and rounder version, in addition to the physical changes Edrick has started to become lazy and stupid. The same has happened with Tristan, his body is now completely soft, he has become silly and sloppy, however, he is still smaller than his friend, which is very noticeable after they weigh themselves:

“It looks like I'm even bigger than you , hahaha ” says Edrick , laughing and rubbing his belly with pride.

"Not for long! By 3 months I will still be bigger than you , man” Tristan retorts, showing dissatisfaction with the result of the scale.

“That’s what we’re going to see!” Debauchery Edrick

Time passes, both their appetites and bellies continue to grow. The competition to see which of the friends was bigger remained fierce, sometimes Tristan was bigger, but most of the time it was Edrick who led the competition.

3 months

Finally the end of the challenge came, both were bigger than ever, bordering on obesity, their bodies were so big that they could barely stand up, their bellies still maintained their round and soft appearance, similar to a marshmallow. Finally arrived the moment most awaited by both, the friends went to weigh themselves on the scales, Edrick was bigger than Tristan by a few pounds.

“ Haha , I said I'm better than you at everything, man. I'm bigger than you haha ” cheers Edrick as he laughs at his smaller friend.

“Don't brag too much, you are only bigger than me by a few pounds. And besides, it will be harder for you to get rid of all that fat haha ” says Tristan, feeling that he had turned the tide, even though he was still disappointed at not having become bigger than his friend.

“Nothing mate, I bet I can still lose weight faster than you” replies Edrick confidently.

“Go for it” Tristan retorts.

As they talked about getting back to their toned bodies, they both harbored a feeling of not wanting to go back to their old routines.

In the next few weeks after the weight loss challenge, Edrick and Tristan tried to exercise and get back on their diets, but after all these processes, they realized that they were completely addicted to eating and doing nothing. No matter how hard they tried to get back to their active routines, their bodies could only demand more food. Furthermore, their heavy bodies made it difficult for them to do the exercises they previously did easily, and as if that wasn't enough, they became completely tired, which slowed them down even more.

After a few weeks, they put the exercises aside, while they surrendered to their desire to eat and their laziness. In the beginning, especially Edrick was reluctant against these desires, because he didn't want to admit that he was wrong, but he knew how good it was to be the lazy fat man he became, and he gave in over time.

After realizing how good it was to have their new bodies, big, round and soft, they not only accepted their bodies, but now they felt a burning desire for them, every touch or look they gave to their fat bodies or even that of other men made them get harder. In the end all that was left were two lazy fat men...and they loved it

[bodyswapmischief]

Holiday Special: The Twelve Months of Transformation

[Part 6 of 12]

June

The next day Nick woke up earlier. For the first time in his life he felt groggy and heavy. It was difficult trying to get the energy to get out of bet. And, then there was the pain from his lower back.

He looked at his reflection and noticed his skin started looking older. More wrinkled and weathered by life. He wasn't sure if it was all in his head but it looked like he gain more weight overnight. He sighed, Hopefully I get some answers, today.

Nick sat in the doctor's office. As his doctor walked in.

"Nick is that you?" The doctor asked shocked. You both didn't want to say it, but you now looked older than the doctor.

"Yeah, Doc. This is the new change I was talking about." Nick slapped his gut. "The changes stopped since the last time I saw you, and everything was fine. But, literally overnight I just gained 30 lbs of fat."

"I'm sorry you are going through this." The doctor said. But, in his tone hid the fact that he wasn't surprised.

"So, doc, can you tell me what's going on with me?" Nick, asked.

"It's complicated. Everything came back negative. For all intents and purposes internally your as healthy as a 20 year old athlete." The doctor explained.

Nick laughed in disbelief and his small belly jiggled. "That's hilarious. Look at me... look... this is not healthy. What's happening is not normal." Nick started becoming more agitated.

"Nick calm down. I agree with you. Something is happening. Just not something with your health." The doctor rose his voice in an attempt to silence Nick. "It has to do with your genetic."

"What do you mean." Nick said his anger interrupted with confusion.

"After the result came back, your case still intrigued me. It's nothing I've ever seen before. So, I sent a DNA sample to a colleague you works more in experimental genetics." The doctor began to explain. "And, what he found defies everything we know."

At that point another doctor walks into the room an, elderly man. "Hello, Nick I am Dr. Paulak. Your case is quite intriguing." The old man began pulling out paper work and handing it to Nick. Nick began reading it. It was results and information from multiple DNA test.

"What is all this, Nick asked."

"Dr. Freeman is correct. Medically there is nothing wrong with. You are as healthy as a man younger than your actual age. But, there are some very strange anomalies that cause your body to act very different from an average person."

"Please, just tell me. What's going on with me." Nick pleaded, tried of the doctor skirting around the issue.

"Okay, okay... it's seems like your cells have an ability and need to store massive amounts of energy. In fact your body seems to see this as the main goal of it's function. This can explain your aging appearance but the fact is you are still as healthy as a race horse. Your body seems to have drained the energy keeping your skin and hair youthful and began storing that, as energy, for this transformation process, you are going through, to start."

"There's no way to reverse this?" Nick's heart dropped. "What about the weight gain. Why am I getting fatter, now all of sudden?"

"That can be explained too. As your body continues to transform into this energy saver, for a lack of a better word, it seems your body is even more skilled at storing the nutrients and fats of everything you eat. Meaning it's hard for you to lose weight because now even the healthiest foods are somewhat fattening." The doctor continued to explain. "In fact as this transformation continues, your body is gonna have the need to eat more in order to meet its needs to store energy."

"So, what are your telling me, I'm going to get fatter and theirs nothing I can do about it." Nick yelled.

"I'm afraid, so." The doctor simply replied allowing Nick to sit in silence and think.

"What is this energy even for? You keep saying my body is taking all of my youth and the food I eat for energy, what's the point." Nick asked just trying to understand.

"As for that, we don't know." Dr. Freeman spoke up.

"I don't even feel full of energy. Today, I felt so drained. So much for all this energy my body is storing." Nick cried.

"Well that's happening for two reasons," Dr. Pualak started up again. "Firstly, It could be your not eating enough, to meet your new bodies needs. Now, I'm not condoning you eat more. It up to you. The second reason is... it seems your body has a genetic depositions for a hibernation cycle of sorts. It seems like during winter your body might be more active. As summer approaches, you are at the peak of your hibernation state. That explains why you are feeling so tired. As winter approaches again you should start feeling better."

"There's gotta be something you can do. Hormones I can take. Things I can do." Nick sat down defeated.

"As of now, there is nothing we can do. Unless there were others that share your strange syndrome. Then we can start cross examining the data and narrow down something that could stop or cure this. Do any of your family members share any of these effects?" Dr. Paulak asked.

Nick just shook his head. "No, my mom's family are normal. Some cases of cancer, diabetes, but nothing like this."

"What about your father." Dr. Paulak asked.

"I don't know, I've never known him or his family. He left before I was born." Nick got a bit irritated thinking about the fact that he could have inherited this from his father. A man the he never met or cared about. A man that abandoned him and his mom.

"Well maybe you can start there?" Dr. Freeman stepped in. "You can ask your mother and update us if you find out more. Until than take it easy. If you need we know a therapist thst handles these types of cases."

"What there are othesr like me!? But, you just said..." Nick asked confused.

"Not exactly like you... But, people that have found themselves in a new body, one way or the other."

The doctors gave Nick the card to the therapist. And, he left back to his home. He got some answers but he was heartbroken he didn't have any solutions.

----------------------------------------------

Everything was happening so fast. This year was to much for Nick to handle. As May went on, he fell into denial. Those doctors are crazy. Talking about people being put into new bodies. They sound like some cracked mad scientist. They don't know what they are talking about. I'm going to be better in no time. Nick talked to himself.

But as the month past, he felt more tired. He gained more weight. The age difference between him and his friends were becoming more apparent. He started ghosting them. He hung out more with his boss and his new older friends. He was able to relate to them more. "I was jealous of you there for awhile. Glad your gaining weight like the rest of us." His boss admitted. Nick didn't care at this point. He was defeated. He just smiled and laughed it off.

The guys at the gym started making fun of his weight gain. Saying he was starting to look more his age. And, that it was sad to see age get the best of him.

----------------------------------------------

There was one last hope to fix this, Nick thought. Maybe his dad or his dad's family could shed light on his situation. But,, first he had to talk to his mom. Through all of this, he kept his mom blind to what was happening. Hoping he could fix it on his own. But, now with no cure he knew he had to come clean. He called up his mom like he had always done. "Hey, mom month when I go back home to visit you for your birthday... there's gonna be something different about me. I just want to give you a heads up."

"Oh, sweetie what's going on. You sound like your in trouble. Now, matter what it is you can tell me." His mom's warm voice made him feel safe. Tears ran down his face.

Nick cried as he began to speak, "I'm an old man now."

His mom laughed, "Sweetie you're barely 35. You have a lot of life left ahead of you."

"No mom, I'm really an old man." Nick took a picture and sent it to her. He was getting frustrated that she didn't believe him.

"Oh, sweetie stop playing with those apps. But, that is a realistic photo edit. You got me worried for a bit. You always try so hard on your pranks." His mom laughed.

Nick realized the only way to prove it to her was to just wait and show her in person. Hopefully she wouldn't freak out. And, better yet maybe she had answers to some of his questions about his father.

(Shout out to @thegreatstoryteller his TF Therapy series has inspired me to turn this one story idea into a series)

[arizonaconservativegal]

First of all, thanks for replying. And thanks to the people in the notes who followed up, as well. In terms of interests, while I would love someone who shares a lot of them, I really only have one that's necessary. As an aspiring game developer, games are my art form, especially the world building and the mechanics and systems in place. I want someone who shares this love, who I can bond over with. Anything else would just be icing on the cake. In terms of appearance, I'd prefer if she were shorter than me by a good amount, ideally at or below 5' 6" but I'm fine as long as she's not above like 5' 10". I'm not the leanest person myself, I've got a little belly, but I'm working on it and slowly losing weight. I don't mind if she's a little chubby either, but if she's really fat I just can't go with that. I'm probably a little hypocritical here as I'd obviously prefer someone who's in shape, but I can find some heavier women attractive as long as they're short and feminine. I dislike body modifications, and would prefer someone without any, but I could deal with a few small tattoos and a few piercings, as long as they're not gauges or septum piercings. And obviously she needs to want kids (but not have any), needs to be not a full-on leftist (I'm fine with a centrist, conservative, or ideally a libertarian), and just have a nice personality that gels with mine. I tend to be a pretty low-key, somewhat boring person, and have trouble dealing with people who have "big" personalities. I find that at my age, it's hard to find someone who wants kids but doesn't have any, and who likes games but isn't butch or seriously fat or really punk or whatever. Those are pretty much my lines in the sand, appearance and personality-wise. Do I have too many of them? Are there things I should care less about? As I said, I've never been in a relationship, so I really don't know what's important and what's not. I'm just basing what I want on what I personally prefer.

And I know what I need to do to become more attractive, myself. Lose some weight, get a better job, move out. Is there anything else I need to do, and what should I prioritize? Right now I'm thinking about trying for a raise at work, but I'm also worried it'll put me over the pay limit for subsidized healthcare, and I've got a lot of health problems that are out of my control. I'd need to jump to a job with actual benefits to make it really worth it, so it'll be hard just moving up gradually.

And finally, just because I'm spilling everything out here anyway, there's a girl at work who recently broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years who I've been becoming quite friendly with. She's always enjoyable to talk to, and she seems to like me at least as a friend. However she's not got a lot in common with me. There's a guy who clearly likes her, and she has a friend that's probably into her, and I knew her ex and they all have a similar look that's very different to me. I think she also tends to go for "bad boys" and I'm definitely not one of them. She recently asked about my interests and stuff kind of probing more deeply, but since I basically haven't had any friends for years I don't know if that's just what's normal or if she's actually a little bit interested in me. Honestly I'm not sure what to do or if I should even do anything. She's basically a normie and I'm borderline autistic. I'm not used to anyone actually being interested in anything about me and I don't know how to tell one kind of "interest" from another. And considering she's a coworker and I enjoy her company, I don't want to fuck anything up. What do I do?

Ok there's a lot to unpack here...

First of all, I'm not going to be that person who tells you looks don't matter because let's all be honest here for a second, they do and anyone who says otherwise is lying for internet morality points. Obviously if you're going to date someone, you need to not be repulsed by their physical appearance.

But. Looks are not the most important thing and they're also not permanent. Plus in my experience, the more you get to know someone, the more attractive they become to you because you just see people differently when you love them. So don't worry so much about finding the most beautiful girl you've ever seen, or being the most handsome guy she's ever seen. When it's right, that stuff will handle itself.

(Also, I'm not saying you did this, but if you put all that in your online dating profile, please delete it immediately because it will scare women off if it's public and even if it's just for the algorithm, you're probably losing a lot of potentially good matches by being too specific)

I would think a little more about personality. It can be a lot harder to define that than appearance, but that's the part of her that you're going to really fall for. What does "big" personality mean to you? Does that mean just being loud, or is it a certain kind of humor, or just being extroverted or outgoing? Think a little about the people you enjoy spending time with and figure out what it is about them that makes you want to be around them. Interests are a good starting point, but try to think about what drives those interests and how they express them.

And think about you too. How would you describe yourself? I'd guess with your interest in game development, you probably have a big imagination and attention to detail, yeah? Do you have a dry sense of humor, maybe? Are you a patient person? Do you prefer to be busy or to take it easy? When you get stressed out, what calms you down? What are your values in life?

Think about what kind of person complements all that. Remember you're looking for a partner, someone to build a life with. That means the two of you have to make a good team. You'll bring out the best in each other and compensate for each other's weaknesses.

As for the changes you think you need to make, I'm going to let you in a little secret about women: there is nothing sexier to us than a guy who has his shit together. And that doesn't mean you need a fancy law degree and a six figure office job and a mortgage. It means knowing who you are and what you want and be working a clear, realistic plan to get there.

So yes, everything you mentioned is probably a good idea because it sounds like that will help you have more confidence and get on more solid ground with your life and future. But as for what you should do first, just focus on what is best for you, not for some hypothetical future wife you haven't met yet. It sounds to me like you've still got some healing to do and that needs to be your priority.

But when you're ready, the only thing to do is start talking to people and go on lots of dates that will mostly go nowhere. That's okay. The point is to meet girls and see if there's enough there for a second date, then maybe a third, and so on. You're not looking for something that's perfect right away. You're just looking for a starting point to build something more from.

In your case, yes, you probably do need to find a girl who at least has some interest in video games. It's going to be too much of your life for her to not at least be willing to indulge you when you want to talk about the game you're working on. I would guess that there are a lot of girls in "nerd" category who maybe don't know much about video games but would be interested if someone they cared about wanted to show them. Or if you really want to start off with just a pool of people who are as interested in game development as you, I'd hazard a guess that there are conventions or online forums on the subject. Maybe check out some of those and just start talking to people. Maybe it goes nowhere. Maybe you make a new friend. Maybe more. Who knows?

As for the girl at work, I think you're setting yourself up to get hurt. Girls who go for bad boys don't usually change their habits easily. She may be interested in you because you're not like her ex and she's trying to try something different, but that doesn't usually last. It isn't that you're doing anything wrong, it really is just how girls like that are. And it doesn't make any sense but it's how it is.

In general though, if you're getting to know a girl and you're not sure if she's looking for a friend or a boyfriend, it's okay to ask. Don't be creepy about it or anything, but it's okay to say something like "I just want to make sure I'm not reading too much into this." And be prepared to drop it if she says she just wants to be friends.

(Also my rule for dating coworkers is this: if it's a job you plan to stay at long term and you work closely together, the answer is no. If it's more of a temporary thing or you really only pass her in the hall once a week, that's probably okay as long as your company doesn't have some policy against it)

Bottom line, you're overthinking this. Love isn't logical. You can make all the plans and checklists in the world and none of them matter because that's just not how it works. Trust me, if it was, I'd be married by now too.

All you can really do is be the best version of yourself for you, meet a bunch of people, probably get your heart broken a couple of times along the way, and eventually you'll find someone who makes it all worth it.

-

As a side note, are you in a good church? If you're a person of faith at all (and I'm an atheist, so no judgement if you're not), I think having a community like that around you would be good for you right now.

[locoluis]

Pam's visit to the doctor

DISCLAIMER: This is a fictional story. I have no medical knowledge, so the following is all artistic licence and stuff taken from the web. Please consult a proper medical professional if you experience any of the symptoms described below. Oh, and sorry for the sloppy writing.

It has been from bad to worse during the last weeks. I don't like summer, I get way too sweaty and dehydrated. I get sunburned easily. I am self conscious about my body and will need to wear less than the normal amount of clothing I usually enjoy wearing, which attracts the stares of people who look like they haven't seen a girl with more than a B cup in their entire lives.

Like they never get out of this town.

I like going to the city, even though the climate is warmer there than up here in the hills, because nobody bats an eye about my appearance there, or at least not that much. The city centre is a couple hours away by bus. Only a few, elderly people are joining me in this trip I absolutely need to carry out.

The local paediatricians are as useless as the painkillers they prescribe. One of them said: “ At this point, you should consider going to an adult's doctor. ” Madam, I'm only twelve, and you're supposed to be able to take care of people through their late teens. Don't come at me with such rubbish.

Then my PE teacher recommended me this children's hospital in the city, and I got an appointment. I got so stressed during the bus trip that the box of chocolates that I brought with me didn't last long enough. I hope this isn't as bad as it feels.

Even though this is the second time I've seen this particular lady, I immediately recognised her. Shorter than me, dangerously skinny, with a childish face despite being in her mid-thirties, and a brunette ponytail of ridiculous length.

— Pamela Evans. I remember you.

— Dr. Eliana Martínez. You were the lady who awarded me the gold medal at the swimming competition a few months ago.

— Indeed. That was… a random, unusual philanthropic gesture from me. I must confess that your victory caught me by surprise, as you looked like you didn't even want to participate.

— Well, Mum taught me to swim at an early age, and she really wanted me to participate. But I hate PE with a passion, and it was really embarrassing for me to be in a swimsuit with all those people around. You can guess why.

— Yeah, I can relate, having been pregnant once. Never again.

I couldn't quite hide my amazement. How does such a twiggy lady manage to have a child growing inside such a tiny belly?

— Indeed, I have a daughter. Her name is Violeta, and she will soon be bigger than me. I carried my baby through full term, with no complications, shattering all expectations. I guess I'm a woman after all, ha ha ha. But enough about me; please tell me what brings you here.

I took a long breath.

— Doctor, during the last few weeks it's been difficult for me to concentrate in class, to get asleep, to get enough rest. I sweat way too much. I feel a lot of anxiety, even to the point of paranoia. Sometimes I feel my heart beating too hard and too fast. Sometimes I feel a burning sensation in my chest. And I've been putting on quite some weight, though I'm not sure how much of that is just going through puberty.

— Well, body changes are normal through puberty, and girls grow and develop at different rates.

— I'm aware of that. All my classmates still look like children. I'm the only one with the shape of a grown-up woman at twelve.

— About that. When I was twelve, it was the exact opposite. The other girls were all grown up, while I still look like a ten years old.

— Well, you sure are tiny, even compared to my classmates.

— Yeah, yeah. Now that I think about it, you look a lot like one of mine. Blue eyes, a different hairstyle and nose shape, a slimmer waist, but otherwise she was a dead ringer for you.

— Even her breast size?

— Indeed. She was curvy and gorgeous, and all the boys were crazy for her, but she only had eyes for one boy… who just wasn't ready for a relationship. And it made me cringe that she didn't seem to feel pretty enough, that she wore more make-up than was necessary, plus her dangerously short, tight-fit school pinafore dress… she looked ridiculous.

— Oh, I have some classmates who are like that. Not me, though; I already get way too much attention without doing anything with my looks.

— Well, you seem more like the forbidden snack type, which ironically is more attractive for some men than the overly sexy type.

— … Ach-y-fi.

— … Excuse me? I'm not a native English speaker, and that's a word I haven't heard before.

— Oh, that's a local expression of disgust. Like, it seems like I can't avoid the male gaze.

— That's their problem, Miss Evans, not yours. Don't make it your problem. I've got nothing here, yet men still stare.

— Well, your body type is even more unusual…

— I know. But you have to excuse me, this is getting way off-topic. I don't usually talk to my patients about my own childhood, and I'm talking to you like we knew each other from long ago.

— Well, I don't mind. Yours seems to have been an interesting childhood.

— Indeed, but that's not why you're here. So let me get through this. Most of the issues that you describe are not necessarily associated with puberty, and no sign of pain or discomfort is worth getting glossed over. First of all, please stand on the scale to get your height and weight measured.

I do. To no surprise, I'm overweight. She also checked my heart rate and blood pressure.

— Now, tell me. Tea, coffee, carbonated drinks. How much do you drink each day?

— Not much, actually. I drink a couple cups of tea each day. Unlike the rest of my family, who just can't get enough of it. And they drink green tea, which tastes horrible to me.

— Hmm. What about chocolate?

She stopped talking when she noticed the sheer expression of horror in my face.

— What? Did I hit a nerve, Miss Evans? Please tell me how much do you eat everyday. Answer truthfully.

I started crying uncontrollably. She patiently bears with me through this.

— … Doctor. I have a lot of admirers. Every day I get several boxes of chocolate in the mail. And I can't control myself.

— Well, chocolates have a high calorie count due to their sugar and fat content. And the symptoms you've been experiences are consistent with an excessive chocolate intake.

— And now you're telling me that I have to eat less chocolates. As if my life wasn't horrible enough.

— Well, at least you don't have acne… yet.

— ACNE!? Oh my God! I need to stop eating chocolates right now!

— Well, acne is more of an issue with eating lots of carbohydrates and dairy products, and there's no consensus about the link between acne and chocolate consumption. But I still advise you to reduce the amount of chocolate you eat everyday.

— I understand.

— To prevent acne, you should eat more fruits, vegetables and fish. Drinking green tea is also good against acne, and it has many more health benefits. It contains caffeine, so it too must be consumed in moderation.

— Green tea. As I said, I don't like it.

— Add lemon juice and stevia to it. There are many types of green tea, you just have to find which one is better tasting for you. And brewing it correctly is quite important in order to get it just right, not too bitter or watery.

— Well, thank you.

— I'll prescribe you some medication in order to treat the symptoms you've mentioned. But you should follow my instructions in order to attack their root cause. Stop eating so many chocolates, and come back in a month or so, in order to check your progress. I most likely won't be around, as I travel a lot and I'm currently on a temporary contract, but Dr. Spencer is an experienced paediatrician who will be able to take your case.

— I'll do. Oh, and I have a last question. Do you think I should get a breast reduction? And how do I get it on the NHS?

— Well, first of all, I don't think it's advisable to get one while you're still developing, except in extreme cases of breast hypertrophy. Second, you should get down to a stable weight, and get an assessment with a psychiatrist or psychologist. Third, as there are many women seeking to get breast reduction surgery on the NHS, the waiting list can be up to several years, and a lot of women are being turned down as not meeting their criteria. Also, private treatment is quite expensive. And… would you like me to measure you?

— Yeah, sure.

Her procedure for measuring my breast size is a bit more complicated than what I knew. She then puts the measurements on a spreadsheet, which gets her a bunch of numbers.

— Wearing a good-fitting bra can alleviate many of the issues associated with large breasts. Also, I'm recommending you some exercises that can strengthen your core muscles, and some tips to improve your posture. But I wouldn't advise a breast reduction surgery on someone like you, as its risks and consequences certainly outweigh the possible benefits. They're not that big, actually; you just have a delicate body frame. Your ideal weight is lower than that of other girls of your age and height.

— I understand.

I need to make a lot of sacrifices in order to stop feeling like this. Mum is going to stare me down and tell me: “ I told you, Pam ”. And then I'm asking her what we should do with so all those chocolates.

[itsjustmeinmyownhead]

this is gonna be a very personal post, trigger warning: ed

not many of my followers may know, maybe even none of them, but just a few months ago I was really struggling with eating disorders.

it all started around september 2017, when I started weighing myself and developing thoughts that I wasn't pretty enough. I thought in order to be pretty I would have to lose weight. I used to weigh myself 3 times a day at that time. In october I only weighed myself once a day. but I started restricting. first I would try to stay under 600 kcal a day, I still had 3 meals but of very low nutritional value. I drank up to 3 liters of tea or water a day. I started exercising every second day. I lost weight every day, just little amounts but I still lost. after a while I was sick of counting calories, so I stopped. but this went into I vicious cycle of starving and binging. I stopped weighing myself every day and only watched my weekly calorie deficit and weekly weightloss. so I starved during week days, consumed 500kcal per day max, weighed myself on saturday morning and binged my ass off for the whole weekend. my first actual binge attack was on a birthday party, where I ate so much that I had to throw up. since that day I binged every weekend. and I made myself throw up several times because I was too full to walk, breathe or sleep. friday was always my day of fasting, so I didn't eat the whole day. the longest period of not eating anything and only drinking water and other drink without calories was 73 hours. I was so proud of myself. I ignored all the health issues I had.

I lost my period, I didn't have it for 80 days and when I got it once again it was just 2-3 days and so light that you couldn't really count it. I started losing hair like crazy. I was always weak and shaky. I had bad breath. my nails turned blue as soon as it was only slightly fresh. I was always cold. the bags under my eyes became darker and darker, but the more weight I lost the better I felt. I didn't have a muffin top anymore, all my pants were kinda loose, all my shirts were bigger than before, even my prom dress in size 1 was too big.

shortly before christmas I hit my lowest weight, 41.9 kg. I was severely underweight, still thinking I wasn't thin enough.

at christmas i wanted to enough the holidays without thinking about food, so I ate. and I told myself not to weigh myself bc I would only be disappointed. and I did gain a lot of weight back. in january I started getting back on track, losing weight again. but in february I started getting weak again, I lost control and I started eating during the weak again and ate even more on the weekends. I could literally see the fat coming back. I started having a muffin top again and my abs were covered in fat again.

I told myself I had to recover. so I went into recovery all by myself.

the first weeks were horrible. due to my totally deranged relationship to food I didn't know when to stop. it was either all or nothing. i was sick of counting calories or tracking my food so I just ate what I wanted, but I couldn't stop when I wad full. I kept eating until I was literally sick. every day. I gained so much weight in a short time that I got stretch marks on my thighs and breasts. all my limbs hurt all the time, especially my belly, because I was always extremely full and bloated. oh dear, the bloat. it was horrible. but I always told myself that this was part of recovery and that I just had to go through this tough time to develop a healthy relationship to food again. it was hard. my head told me that I was fat and how I could do that to myself, but at the same time it told me that I couldn't live with ana my whole life. I slowly started having control over my cravings again and now I'm at a point were I still watch my calorie intake, but eat a healthy amount of food per day and exercise to feel good. I don't restrict link crazy, I just eat until I'm satisfied and now I actually can stop eating when I'm satisfied.

I start getting back to a healthy normal weight.

my hair stopped falling out. I got my period back regularly. my nails aren't blue anymore, I'm not shaky 24/7 and I am way stronger when exercising.

recovery is possible. I never thought I would be able to do this. but I did. it was a long way, with a lot of tears, pain and struggle. but it's possible. and I believe in every single one of you going through the same. stay strong, you can do this.

[annikaq-foodandfitness]

Meal plan review part 2: personal takeaways

Back from my busy weekend to continue this series! First, here is the link to part 1 where I explain the structure of the plan, how much I liked it and how easy it was to follow:

Now, for my personal takeaways - the principles I will bring into my everyday diet.

Takeaway 1 - double fruits and vegetables

I thought I already ate a lot of fruits and vegetables. I mean, most Americans don't even get their 5 a day, and USDA servings are little! Well, this plan basically doubled the amount I was eating, usually by doubling the serving size of fruit or the number of types of vegetables. This definitely kicks up the fiber and the volume of food; I'm a person who gets used to compact portions pretty easily so I don't really need the volume, but I do appreciate the effect of the fiber. My belly doesn't "look as full" as I'd expect from how much I'm eating, and completely debloats overnight. It also kicks up the carbohydrates - this plan was really high in carbs compared to what I normally eat, but I was pleasantly surprised to find it didn't "feel high carb." I thought I knew the effect of "slow carbs" plenty well since I always choose 100% whole grain, but I guess I hadn't gotten them diluted in quite so much fiber and water.

So, I'm trying to follow the double rule by using a whole large fruit, or one cup instead of half a cup at breakfast and snack, and two types of vegetables at lunch and dinner. Plus sometimes a fruit with lunch (see below).

Some related discoveries about fruits and veggies:

A fruit with lunch after the main dish makes it feel more satisfying and complete. They did this with grapes a lot in the plan, at least week 1.

You can slice a banana lengthwise to use toppings! I don't know why I never thought of that before. I just always got frustrated with how nothing sticks to them.

If you slice a fruit and pack a butter knife to spread with, you can stretch a small amount of nut butter over a lot more fruit. I always thought a whole apple with a tablespoon of peanut butter was badly proportioned, but it can be done if you spread rather than dip.

Takeaway 2 - generous fats and flavor

Specifically, about 2 teaspoons with each of lunch and dinner, occasionally more, plus some nuts or nut butters and avocado, and fat from protein foods. I was surprised - I definitely defend the place of fat in my diet, and I wasn't expecting a reduced calorie, high carb plan to outdo me. But I was usually using only one teaspoon of oil for dressing, or maybe cooking with a tablespoon but not every day and not using oil at two out of three meals. It was really nice to see how more fat could be included on a consistent basis. That being said, there's a little bit of a caveat because I normally eat some cheese, and the plan had no dairy, so I don't have a great sense of how much fat I was including from dairy.

Related discoveries:

It's really worth it to put some effort into the dressing for salads. Lemon maple, orange cumin, spicy mayo, thinned out hummus.

It's also worth it to chop up a tablespoon of onion for flavor.

Foods that are tasty and healthy but high in calories, like nuts, don't have to be allotted in a single full serving for the day (like an ounce of walnuts). They can be sprinkled in small amounts into different meals, like a tablespoon of chopped walnuts into a salad or on top of oats.

Takeaway 3 - 3/4 cup cooked grain servings, and remember beans

Kind of like the lengthwise banana, something I'm surprised I hadn't already figured. But there sort of seem to be two camps regarding grain portions - low calorie dieters and the USDA with their 1/2 cups that barely make a mound on the plate, and the carb fans or careless eaters with their whole cups that crowd out other parts of the meal. But it turns out in the middle, 3/4 is satisfying without breaking the calorie bank or feeling too much of a carb-up.

Also related:

Grain salads are rad and extremely versatile. Fluff them up with veggies and squeak them past the protein threshold with legumes.

Black beans and chickpeas. Even edamame in the right context can be surprisingly good. It's been a bit of a throwback to my former vegetarian life.

There are a lot more whole grains to work with than just rice, wheat bread, and wheat pasta, and I didn't know that I LOVE quinoa!

Takeaway 4 - chia seeds as a mix-in

They're great to add some extra nutrients and bulk to cereal, and for thickening smoothies. They also *really* pack that fiber-fullness punch. I'm not a fan of having them make up too much of the dish, but I'll go into that more when I discuss individual recipes.

Takeaway 5 - calorie distribution

I kept a little bit of an eye on the reported calorie content of the recipes. As I mentioned in part 1, I think some of them may have been a little inaccurate, but it's a guideline. Most breakfasts were in the neighborhood of 350. Lunches and dinners tended to be between 450-550, with dinners usually on the higher side. Snacks and treats were both very consistently between 150-200.

This seems to add up to closer to 1700 rather than their reported 1600, but I didn't pay close attention to how the higher and lower meals were balanced across days. I don't normally have a "treat" every day or eat 5 times a day generally (except when refueling a hard/long workout), so I can translate the structure of the meals and snacks pretty directly for a 1500 calorie plan.

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And with that... my next post in this series will be on my favorite and least favorite recipes of the plan.